Here's some of my favourite names...Well most of the time I just use stuff from songs, movies, commercials, inside jokes ect, but when I don't these are the names I use.

I'd scratch your eyes out but I don't know how'd you'd look at yourself in the morning.
As an older more mature young adult ur job is to...make fun of the little kids!

i am independant and abusive...stay out of my way...

Ociffer, I swear to drunk Im not God!!!!!!

I had a dream I still loved u *~* I THINK I WOKE UP SCREAMING!!!!!!

There are easier things in life than finding a good man.  Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

YeH u'D bE PReTTy gOoDLOoKiN iF iT WaSnT FoR yOuR FaCe

-íMåGíNé Ur LíFé WíThØuT Mé- -¿Mí§éRåBLé HuH?-

u were my favorite mistake=)

Be4UCriticizeSomeone,UShouldWalkAMileInTheirShoes.ThatWay,WhenUCriticizeThem,UrAMileAway&UHaveTheirShoes.

A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams "Air in the Hands Mother Stickers this is a F*&k up

Trying is the first step towards failure

Love and stoplights can be cruel. 

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. 

(Name) would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.

The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle with ink.

Oh my god! Space Aliens! Dont eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

When I die I wanna be buried upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass

What are you going 2 do 4 a face when the baboon asks for its arse back?

At my age flowers scare me

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry!

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?

They go together like water and electricity

You know your too stressed if you can hear mimes

[If rejected, you say] Oh, I'm sorry - you must have misunderstood. I said you look fat in those pants/that skirt.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its just hilarious.

Having a smoking section in a restraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool.

You're village just called, they want their idiot back.

Are you always this stupid? or is today a special occasion?

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't!

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?

I saw your dad walking down the street the other day...I asked him if he was gay and he hit me with his purse!!